Needy Men – Questions and Answers with Needy Man Tom

In our search to better understand what makes a Needy Man we managed to find one that was willing to answer a few questions. Tom has had his heart ripped to bits by more than one woman and feels like he is in a place where he can share his experiences in the hope other men can learn from them!

Tom… thanks for agreeing to talk to us, what do you think defines you as a Needy Man?

Well firstly the fact that when I am with a girlfriend I feel totally overwhelmed and sure that not only is she going to wake up and realize that I am not the man for her, but also that I will never be able to get another girlfriend as great as her.. I know a lot of this is in my mind but can’t seem to stop feeling insecure and as much as I know it’s the wrong thing to do seeking constant reassurance from her.

Have you tried to change your behavior and if so how did that alter your relationship?

There have been periods of time where I have managed to cover up my feelings and act like the traditional alpha male.. however everytime I am in a relationship there comes a time where I can no longer act this way and I start to fall back into the behaviors that even I know are self destructive.

Tell us about your worst experience as a Needy Man?

Probably rock bottom for me would have been the times when I have broken down and pleaded with my girlfriend to reassure me that she cared for me and didn’t want to dump me.. in hindsight this is not only very embarrassing but additionally probably the reason why in each case the girl has ended the relationship with me.

Are you doing anything to overcome this behavior?

I am trying to recognize what factors trigger these responses, getting professional help and yes I am confident I can turn my life and Needy behaviors around.

Do you have any advice for woman that are dating a Needy Man?

I certainly do… it seems ok for Woman to be needy at times, maybe they could be more understanding when it comes to Males -although tradition defines that we are all tough and unemotional the reality is very different to this.

Any last words of advice to the thousands of Needy Men out there?

Hide your feelings, even when you feel the time is right to share your insecurities with the lady in your life don’t do it! Get professional help.

Tom – thanks for sharing with us on behalf of needymen.com!

Published by Jack Raverton

After two marriages and a number of relationships with all manner of woman Jack has seen a lot of different things over the last few years. Jack recognizes that neediness can be a huge turn off in any relationship, so shares how not to be that needy guy, and also how to recognize the signs in others.

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9 Comments

  1. If ONLY i had read this piece of advice earlier. I believe, like Tom with his girlfriends, my girlfriend broke off with me because she was frustrated and annoyed with me for being too emotional. I had, at certain point in our relationship, behaved just like what Tom described!

    Geez! If only i had known earlier, perhaps my relationship with her could have been saved.

    Is it too late now? Is the damage to my image unrepairable? Any way to salvage?

  2. Hi Kent. Unfortunately I have to be honest here and say to you I think that its unrepairable with your ex girlfriend.

    You have shown weakness and she has broken off with you because of that, however you need to forget her now and find someone new to focus on!

    There is probably little value trying to salvage what is already ruined, however others may disagree and feel free to leave your own comment.

    For next time however Kent.. remember to read the articles from this site and stay strong, confident and be the man every woman is looking for.

    You can do it Kent! I hope this helps.

    Rob

  3. Kent and Rob,

    I don’t know if this will help, but I will try to provide a woman’s perspective.

    I have been in a relationship with a needy man for 10 months now. He has some wonderful qualities and is very thoughtful, but he absolutely drives me crazy!!!! I have broken up with him several times, but after he broke down and cried on my living room sofa multiple times, my caregiving, nurturer side gave in.

    Still, here I am today 10 months later looking for help online. Sometimes I feel like he uses his good qualities in an effort to manipulate, control, or change me. In fact, he often molds or adapts himself to what I like in an effort to win me over. I hate that!!!!

    Personally, I think he needs counseling. He lost his wife of 19 years several years ago and began online dating almost immediately. He seems desperate to find someone to fill the missing gaps in his life. I probably need counseling to…after all, how did I get here…and why have I put up with this for almost a year?

    Personally, I think he and I are probably doomed. I wrote a letter to him today…one I don’t intend to send. I just did it to help me think through what I need to say to him. I’d like to remain friends with him, but at this point, I am so fed up with him, I don’t see how I can get past the guilt and obligation that has resulted from the past 10 months of knowing him.

    I don’t know if this helps you at all, but it does provide the perspective of a woman who has spent the past ten months in a relationship with a needy man.

    Good luck.
    Mary

  4. Hi Mary,

    I have been in a 4 month relationship with a needy man who did the exact same things you mentioned. I broke up with him a few days ago. It was a horrible experience for me. He cried and told me he’d die if I leave him. But I stood my ground…as hard as it was…it was the right thing to do. Both for him and myself. I was absolutely miserable. He had no life, he made me his world, called all the time and would keep calling until I answered. He needed constant affection and reassurance of my feelings for him. I just couldn’t live like that any longer. It became a very stressful situation.

  5. Mary and Lisa, thank you both for sharing your stories! Actually I would be very keen to write an article interviewing someone that has been in a relationship with a needy man, to try to get more of an insight for our readers.

    Behaviors that seem obvious to some are not always to others….

    Please let me know if either of you would be willing to share more of your experiences!

    Thanks

    Rob

  6. Holy MACREL is my hubby needy! I never even get a chance to miss him before he’s back in my face (literally) asking to kiss or hug me. He emails me 2123 times from work for stupid reasons and has stupid “epiphanies” about why he’s this or that way, it’s gotten to the point that I dont even want to HEAR his excuses anymore! His greatest compliment to me is how hot I am and begging for sex all the time. Sorry hon but I really dont think being called “the f*ck of the century” is a compliment a lady cherishes! What is he thinking??
    I cant even read a book because he starts rambling on incessantly at me. He talks about things he knows I have no interest in, in depth, for an hour! Until I tell him to just shut up and leave me alone! When we go to sleep he begs me to rub his tummy, what am I your master?? Im tired too thanks. I get so upset that he cant do one darn thing I ask without further direction from me. Simple things like “honey would you please unload the dishwasher?” well fml he has to DEMAND to know where everything specifically goes etc.
    When I dont play into his stupid needy game he tells me Im “neglecting” him. How the heck does one neglect a 40 year old man for petes sake! He used to be interesting when we met, he used to have hobbies and we used to have things to talk about..now he’s nothing but an over grown child that needs constant care. He even CALLS me mommy..even while we’re having sex! I feel smothered and if I had a nickel for every time Ive cursed his real life mom for giving me a “neglected man-child” I’d be rich!

    stop the nonsense fella’s, women like to have a 10 min bath without you knocking on the damn door! Get a grip!

    1. The “marriage’ situation completely astounds me. Why are you with this man/ child?
      It sounds to me like he has some very serious and disturbing mental health issues, like he has regressed to some kind of infantile state, calling you Mommy?
      You must be getting something out of this unhealthy codependence.
      The entire scene just seems grotesquely manipulative and wrong.
      I would have been out the door way back, or actually, I would never have crossed the threshhold.
      Needy people come in all manner of disguises.
      In relation to other comments, needy people, just get out and do something for yourself, ie “get a life”, it’s not about not showing your emotions, hiding who you really are etc, that’s just plain dishonest.
      Be kind, be adventurous, be funny, be real, do what you love, don’t be too available, don’t text every waking mind movement, don’t leave messages if the call isn’t answered, just roll with it, and strangely, don’t go with the flow, because the only things in nature that go with the flow, are dead fish.
      Swim upstream like a big, vigorous, healthy salmon.
      Sometimes, you have to put yourself first, and sometimes, you put her first. Don’t be a stubborn mule, that is not strength, it’s wooden eared and moronic. Listen to the moment, feel the vibration and act accordingly. Be in the present.
      If necessary, just leave.
      Don’t go moping around, dwelling on why?
      Just go out and do.
      Enjoy life, go out on a limb, try something you would not normally try, listen to a completely unusual and unlike you band, see a weird movie.
      Alter your perceptive modus operandi.
      Get some inner vision, and let it rock.
      You are a God of Love!

  7. I met this girl at work everything started out great talking texting, her doing most of the texting… and all of a sudden she became distant. You just know in your gut when something is wrong.

    I pulled her aside and asked her if I had done something she said no. I think I may have let out needyness somewhere. Tom said hide emotions. I did that mostly at first without even knowing it I guess but as we got to know each other I may have let out some emotions and imperfections too soon.

    Can I undo this?! An opinion from a man and woman would help.

    Thanks

    1. I think all you can do for now is back right off, girls are funny creatures but they certainly know how to get what they want if they want it. If she wants to pursue this thing you guys have going she will come to you eventually, if not then she doesn’t probably want to – so save yourself the embarassment of going to her again. I see only one way on this but of course up to you. Let me know how you go mate.

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